Raptured, Reeled yet Relieved.

My First Premature Relationship Experience.

My first relationship in 23 years.

My first official boyfriend.

My first kiss. 
My first date.
My first intimate experience.

My first of everything.

An escalated, overwhelming rollercoaster experience yet an uncertain, unhealthy relationship for 4 months.

A confusingly interesting one, in spite of the amount of sufferable pain.

Scars of lusting memories.

Wounds of broken promises.

Tears of joy and sadness.

Whelm of deep anxieties.

An unprecedented love. 

It all started and began one fine night during the mid of March...
Its been only 3 months since I officially completed my uni studies, and I was already feeling 
hopelessly miserable and deprived towards regaining back my real social life again since the day I graduated from uni. 
Not only had I parted ways with the usual group of hangout peers and other acquaintances whom I used to tag along with after classes back in those student life days,
but the fear of loneliness and rush of anxieties were gradually kicking in, to thinking I might ended up being single and unemployed in the long run as I constantly relatively compared their job career success to mine. 


Eat, sleep, job search, repeat.
Eat, sleep, interview, repeat. 


No doubt did I repeatedly undergo the same old daily routine within the comfort of my own home. 
I literally felt like hibernation throughout that period. 
I was fucking tired asf  to being the homeliest person one could've ever known in life. 
I needed a boost. I needed a designation task. Most importantly, I needed a real companion or any reliable trustworthy peers to guide me on as an individual towards improvement and progress in life.

As desperately deprived for a social life partner or friend as I've always had been throughout my whole fucking life,
I decided to sign up for an online profile indeed. Forreal. 
In desperate hopes of searching for one out there whom can be understandable and relatable to me and to my social crisis situation. 

Without any further due, a random online user deliberately reached out to me as he was unemployed and lifeless just as I am throughout that period. 
Smooth flowing descent conversation with no added inappropriately, explicitly words.

Just the ideal kind of person as what I was seeking for this whole time. 

After having a friendly, long winded conversation for hours, it got me thinking this guy seemed legit and genuine as a person. Without any hesitation, it got us appointed to a meet up in person on the following day. 


And so we appointed Japanese dessert café called Misu as our first ideal meetup location-- knowing that the both of us shared similar interest in taste of Japanese flavours. 
So yeah, just as how most typical online date pattern goes, the atmosphere was pretty arousing and ecstatic on any first dates -- No tensions, no burdens or whatsoever.  

Every little conversations between us were just so naturally effortless. 

At that point of time itself, I already liked the way this guy thinks which convincingly made me felt extravagant to thinking that hey, maybe this guy isn't any of those backstabbing low life jerks for once whom I can relate with after all.
Or hey, we could likely be the best of friends in time to come given his humorous and cheery vibe. Who knows.

Little did I know, that's when I realized I totally made the wrong path through all of this,
as to how the tables have turned for the both of us soon after..

After several meetups in person, not only had our relationship gotten stronger and fonder, 
he began developing the sense of infatuation and adoration towards me just within that short manner of time. A week to be precise. 

I was unsure and uncertain how to play my cards right as I do certainly liked him as well, but just nothing more as a friend. 
Given the one-sided commitment, I observed how he tried to win my heart by displaying all his lovely gestures and affections. 
The moment as he introduced me to his place for the very first time, I already had this unpleasant intuition which I'm already expecting something more to go down or deep between us..

That first experience was literally scary yet exciting, knowing that I was being protective of my feelings and especially of my body. But at the same time, the sense of curiosity was lingering.
I was literally tired and afraid of being the same old pathetic loner just as I was back then.
And so without any further or due, I decided to just.. Go for it.


As a worried wart as I've always been as a person myself, 
I have never felt any much more worried than I've always had knowing that I regretted for not taking any precautionary safety during that session with him. 
As positively sure as he was towards this decision and move he made to ensuring that I'm completely fine, I was still highly skeptical  throughout this whole thing. 

Soon after, he suggested to purchase emergency contraception to calm me down. Which I did. 
To simply put it was the easiest solution or means to overcome this as according to his overall past method experiences with his exes. 

Little did I know, every little side effects alongside to the outcomes of those pills accumulated and held on within my body and hormonal system after consuming it.

Rush of overloaded hormones skyrocketed up within my internal brain roof throughout the first two weeks..
as accompanied with dizziness, fatigue and persistent heavy bleeding..
The absolute worst, discomforting detrimental feeling of all:
Highly sensitive and tendered breast-- In which took about approximately two months for the effects to be vanished.. Taking a shower and dressing up for the day was already considered an accomplishment for that. 

If I thought that was it all, I couldn't be any more wrong.. 
It led a drastic impact towards the digestive system-- which took MONTHS to be recovered till this very day. 
Loss of appetite, bloated and gassy stomach, and persistent gastric.
(Even despite I did keep track of my eating habits, but overall. it was indeed the most terrible, nasty experience as accompanied with those and everything as mentioned above.) 


The worst internal experience I've ever felt in my entire life.
The worst last mistake I ever made before researching any further details to it as I didn't know any better to any of the side effects to it, as it was my first.
Like. Literally, my first. 

I was hyperventilating, panicking and acting hysterically throughout the whole relationship period.
Not that I wanted to be annoying or whatsoever, I couldn't succumb any of my detrimental feelings and thoughts all to myself.
I was hoping.. he would empathize this whole situation. To how I felt through all of these. 
Although he was a little supportive to only a certain degree.

Just followed his advice throughout all these, because...
I thought he knew what he's doing.
I TRUSTED HIM.

Gave in my all towards someone whom I actually thought he would care for..

My entire body and soul to prove and solidify how much u do bring out the other significant in me..

Along with my partial feelings to avoid getting hurt even though I did care a lot about ur financial status and you overall as a person, without ur extensive knowledge. 

Every crumbles of weird suspicions and assumptions accumulated since last June, as the oddness about this relationship of ours kept escalating within my heart and thoughts.. Your intentions were confusing as well, as to how I observed how u do care for me daily through our messages..
But at the same time, our intention for each other in person recently just doesn't seem as much as before.. 

The silent agony was gradually erupting within me as time goes by,
as the uncertainties of us of where we're heading off as a couple kept clouding inside of me. Not only did I mentally shut down at that point, I unintentionally broke down in tears during our dinner, IN PUBLIC.
Now as I thought back about it, I highly regretted for that as it was the dumbest thing I've done just to make u realise how I felt about us..
Sure I might've been regarded more to wallowing to self-pity rather than to sympathy towards u..
Though I didn't mean to make you feel so useless at that point.
I didn't mean to ruin your usual cheerful mood or whatsoever. Just for once.
LIKE FOR ONCE.
I just wanna have a say. I wanted to hear your thoughts out. I wanted us to have a talk. I just couldn't get why is it so freaking hard for us to have a real talk or discussion about this. 
If only u could realise what I realise about this to how I felt about us.

Not only was I uncertain and insecure of us as months goes by, I was silently mad with him that night after dinner. What led to our final meet towards the end of us, was the staggering whelm of devastation within me. 

For once, I thought as a couple, he would spare and spend maybe at least a little bit more time with me in my very own home since he hadn't actually even visited my home once.. 
That was also the best time for him to visit considering my parents were actually out of town for the whole day.. There shouldn't be any excuses.. Neither shouldn't be too hard considering we don't even live that far from one another.
That was the best opportunity or time for us to spend more time tgt..
I. Just. wanted to spend  some quality time with him.. Was I asking too much??
In which unfortunately he couldn't make it again as he was lazy and busy with his game stream as part of his "work" at home during the day.. although he did try to make it up to me by having dinner tgt with me later in the day... 
Not only did that literally drove me nuts over the roof but it just got me devastated like why..
I had to come clear AGAIN with him about this, in which that clear discussion regarding us and my initiative decision to stepping us back from being a couple led to the end of us for good. 

Did I actually made the right move to behave in such a manner?? Perhaps I was not being
understanding nor being compromised towards his actual mood when he mentioned he was lazy.. 
Did he actually comprehend what I told him on WhatsApp or was he just taking his own words to thinking everything about us were completely fine??

Perhaps I was going overboard again as usual with this whole overthinking issue..
Perhaps I was being demanding, clingy or just too dependent on him which literally drove his patience mood over the roof to the max..
For all I knw, perhaps I might've been the selfish brat all along abt us for not respecting his mood and time..
Perhaps I've been too pre-unoccupied with my own personal life to the point that I actually might've interrogated his without my realisation??

The decision to how we both ended us, given my initiative move and his final call to us was unbearably painful enough. Although I didn't regret it given the detrimental feeling of developed unhealthy uncertainties whelming up within me as time goes by..

What HURTS ME THE MOST was his true real feelings towards me and us overall in the end..

Along to how lightly he accepted the breakup overall in the end.

After that much of his convincingly persuasion to making me accept him as a bf, in the first place.

It hurts now knowingly that maybe I'm not any different.. I was foolishly gullible to think for once, u would've really taken me seriously as ur real lover and as ur last ex for once..
I thought u see me differently than to ur exes..

Not only were my dreams of us being a better couple completely crushed into bits, but my faith towards him were diminished the fact to how he was willing to let me go easily.. The odd feeling towards this whole situation is how I honestly don't have any grudges nor had I have anything against him, but just a whole disappointment towards my better sets of expectation of us as a wishful couple.

Sure I may've not done everything I said... 

But I'll always do to keep my words sincerely towards someone whom I care for, from the beginning till the end.

Just felt that he should know better what to do as when he proposed us into this relationship. I thought maybe for once, this guy could be the one, given all my devoted ultimatums and dignity towards him .

Point is,
I DO CARE... Deeply Emotionally.


So, the million dollar question throughout the overall prospect of this relationship of ours was as such; 
Did he love me for who I am, as a committed partner?
Or Did he love me for who I am, as a companion?



Not particularly blaming him, me or anyone in such situation..

No one cheated. No one betrayed. No one backstabbed. 

I was flattered with his sense of optimistic decision towards the pursuance of the both of us, yet I was skeptical towards any escalated feelings as I was profoundly unsurprised yet afraid to how or where the outcome or consequences were gonna lead us up to towards the end..

Perhaps its my fault as well for just pursuing or hoping for us to make it happen, despite that I hadn't exactly felt any real feelings towards him in the beginning.. As it required time for my real feelings to sink in thus develop..
Till I eventually did during the much later months.

Okay so maybe I shouldn't deceptively jump into all such validations and into conclusions too drastically.
Could he actually be doing the generous right move after all, towards this final decision to my initiative in our breakup, for a good cause of our own personal better benefits to making me a happier person and him to be stress free??

Or was his decision as such because he's not willing to place effort into pursuing our relationship to another level.. As he indirectly lost his interest towards me, as the reality fact was he never loved me??

I'm not one to judge me, him or us..
But I think proclamation and clarification should not be justified with tests in a relationship if we sincerely love and accept each other throughout both our good and bad times.

What strikes me off the most is seeing how he doesn't put me over the pedestal as how he used to before.
Either I was wrong for overreacting and being overemotional over every single little minor issues towards him on daily basis whenever I mistakenly thought its a positive test. as much as he tried to be responsible and assured that I'm fine, (And yes, I have to admit he was very patiently patient indeed..)
Either I was wrong for being too clingy and dependent on him as much as he tried to be sensibly, tolerably patient with this attitude of mine till the point he lost his patience towards me completely..

Or was he wrong for not taking my words a little sincerely into consideration nor compromising even the slightest  more time for me.. as he thought he felt that our current relationship was completely fine to him, although I just only felt that we hadn't spent enough time for each other.. I was feeling unhealthy and insecure of where we were going as a couple as we spent lesser time tgt in a week, as months goes by..
I was so afraid of losing him. As I never intended to be pushy of my reminder towards him, I just needed to assure that he realizes my current feelings about this.



I was unbearably hurt when I realized his true, real feelings towards the end when we breakup..

Sure despite of countless discussions and reminders I went through tgt with him just to make us an improved, better couple.. He just somehow keeps assuring its fine, as when he pointed out what relationship should be like in his real context.
Bottom line was, we were both not on the same page regarding our relationship.

My intention was to end this unhealthy relationship, in hopes we can still be friends..
But his intention was to end us .. For good.

It oddly hurts, but its whats best for the both of us now.

I understand that he's busy with gaming as a way to boost his financial income from home.. But it crushed me knowingly that usually nights are the best time, not to mention our normal usual time for us to have quality time tgt...

Usually I'm one who does not get involved in relationships easily as Ive been highly aware of its consequences towards the end. After much attempts of desperate pleads over the months, he somehow convincingly made me felt that for the first time in my life, someone could actually accept me, love me, and appreciate me for who I am as a person. As much as I tried to avoid myself from falling too quickly, given his total opposite  appeal type to my ideal partner.

In summary,
Our relationship drew to the end as he couldn't bear it any much longer or at least he got fed up with my overthinking, overreacting, overemotional attitude,
Even despite how I tried to work on improving our relationship as when I kept pointing out the solutions to our relationship issue.. other than just emphasizing purely solely on intimacy..

Sure I've pushed his excruciatingly high level of tolerance and patience to its very limit throughout my extreme annoyingly overreacting behavior issue each and every time after our intimate session ,

but he needs to hear out my opinion to what I think abt us.

If I hadn't spoken up abt us and just bottled up every pile of inner uncertainties and feelings to myself thus let our uncertain relationship be carried on with no precedence, it will utterly mentally destroy and wreck me completely.

That being said, I had ZERO REGRETS to speaking up my thoughts abt us. In hopes that he'll be understanding to my rants in which unfortunately not..

I gradually led him a chance given his amount of perseverance and effort to making me his.. 
I gradually poured out my soul and feelings for him.
I gradually led him a chance.
I gradually fell for him in the end.


If u're reading this boo,

I just really wanna let u know..

Everything I pointed out weren't grudges, but just our flaws/mistakes in which I felt u and I should work on to improve ourselves as a person individually during the latter stages of us.
Sure this may be the roughest patch of us yet, but till we may or will no longer even be contacting nor even be seeing each other ever again in any future time to come, I'm just gonna currently work on exploring every wonderful prospects of life ahead, thus do what's best for myself in terms of self-improvements and sustainability of my career path. 
I wanna assure u that no matter what , whether or not u have any displeasure or disregard towards me for whatever wrong doings we both or I had done in the past, u have my respect to not acknowledge u and let u go for good..
Ultimately, its about your happiness which defines my happiness as a whole.
I honestly don't blame u or any of us.
Perhaps I've to heavily accept the fact that maybe we just weren't meant to be given our conflicts of  perceptions and opinions towards us..
Regardless,  I'll do to keep my words as I mean it, whether or not u view me as an ex, friend or foe. 
No false hopes and expectations. No promises here, but u can always trust and count on me as a friend based on how u should know me as a person as far as u know about me..
You will know it soon enough when I will mean and keep those words the moment I start taking initiative towards my actions. 
U'll know u will always have my faith and support for u within, regardless of our absence..

Till next time or next lifetime...
I wish nothing but the very best for your career and life ahead... 

From the bottom of my heart, 
Thanks for allowing me to have this first love and relationship experience. 

Take care and will miss you forever. ღ

Yours truly,

Your overconcerned, overthinker, overcared friend.